I need prayers for hardness of heart. I feel like I've reached the point of no return, and despite of trying to pine for prayers, further devotion to God, and other things, it's failed to bear any real fruit. I am told of the verse of people being rejected and won't find God even if they seek him with tears. I have consistently failed to adequately forgive numerous offenses throughout my life, both in the past and now, sometimes wondering if I've ever truly forgiven any of them. I tried praying for enemies for temporary joy and peace but then return to violent and bitter thoughts of hurting them or murdering them for what they did. I feel forgiving or being too vulnerable in front of others opens me up for attacks as I grew up being picked on for being different, constantly the center of unfair abuse and ridicule, people lying to put me in the crosshairs, and other forms of betrayal and hurt that left me hardened and bitter. I have often experienced it as well from self-professed "Christians", and have a hard time seeing myself as truly on the same level of sin as my enemies, thus breaking the whole "If you don't forgive, your father will not forgive you", but it's because they say if you think anything's beyond forgiveness it's because you believe you're better than others and have earned it through a degree of righteousness that they don't have. But, I am in a lot of pain. I feel the further sacrifices I make to get closer to God leave me feeling empty and hungering for more material pleasure or goods to keep me away from something I often feel is a huge sham and form of oppression (religion). But, there's good in Christianity and I want to grow as a believer and heal from this. Some say I've never really had a strong faith or believed because I would avoid saying the things I should or doing the things I should in moments of weakness. I am terribly confused and disturbed.