I have watched a video clip of the burial of an American Anglican monk and was a little surprised to see people present being dressed in a very casual way. I know one example is insufficient to draw a conclusion but it led me to ask about what happens at Amercian funerals? How is the whole thing done? What is the dress code? The former question is because of what I've read in numerous Amercian novels. The second is really to answer the question I've started this thread with. Here in the UK what happens is the deceased will be taken by a funeral director, also known as an undertaker. If individuals want to visit the deceased and see them they arrange this with the funeral director. They then go to the funeral director's premises to view the body in a coffin in a room that will usually be a chapel of rest. On the day of the funeral the body in a closed coffin transported in a vehicle called a hearse will go from the funeral director's premsises to the deceased's last place of residence. There the family and friends will be waiting. They will then follow the hearse in cars to the place where the funeral is being celebrated. Some, usually immediate family, will go in cars provided by the funeral director. When they reach the place where the funeral is to take place other people attending will already be there. If the person went to church this is often their church. If not it will be either in a chapel in a cemetery, in a crematorium or at the grave side. After the funeral rites in a church the hearse and others will go to the place where the person is to be buried or cremated. In the case of burial there will usually be the burial rite at the grave side. In the case of cremation the committal will take place in a crematorium chapel. It will end with either curtains or a screen going round the coffin or the coffin moves through doors. As a general rule when people in the UK attend a funeral they do so in formal clothing. Although I have noticed a developing tendency for some to come very casually dressed.
When you say formal and informal what do you exactly mean? Typically what I see is a kakis and a button down long sleeve shirt. I call that semi formal
What you describe is fairly consistent with the funerals in the US, except we don't include the stop at the residence; it's straight from the funeral home to the chapel or church. I was taught to dress in a dark colored suit and wear a tie. But in more recent years one is quite likely to see folks in 'business casual' attire, more so at the funeral home than at the actual funeral, but sometimes even at the latter. I think it's more likely to see the distant cousins and the friends dressing down than the immediate family members, but it might depend on family upbringing & attitudes. We can't be too surprised, considering that people now show up in all sorts of attire for church services, office work, job interviews, etc, etc.
Many funeral parlors in the US will have a chapel onsite. When my wife died I elected to use that facility since I knew our home church was probably too small (and in a state of some disrepair) to hold the number of folks who would be attending. I don't well remember the last funeral I went to that didn't have some military component to it. This generally produces a better dressed crowd. Also, many US funerals now do not have a body on display. It is quite common even when a casket is used to display a good picture of the deceased rather than the body itself.
By formal I would expect to see a man in shirt, tie and suit. Women in dress, blouse and skirt, or a suit. By informal I mean things I've seen such a T-shirts, jeans, sweat pants, etc.
Mind you I saw a funeral taking place about four weeks ago in a petrol station! At first, I thought I had finally lost the plot when I saw a hearse containing a coffin and floral tributes on the forecourt of a petrol station and that I must be hallucinating. I had cause to drive back in the opposite direction about ten minutes later. This time the petrol station was on the same side of the road as me and I had to stop to allow a car coming in the opposite direction to get through. Sure enough there were a lot of chairs set out and people dressed in black. I thought to myself I've seen it all now.
I've been to some pretty wild funerals and memorial services. I've been to a biker funeral where the deceased was laid to rest in a Harley-Davidson themed casket with a headstone to match, and the mourners all dressed in their biker outfits (lots of leather and denim). I've been to Tolkien-styled funerals, atheist funerals (where the deceased's ashes were scattered on a mountain-bike trail in the mountains and the mourners were in backpacker gear), and so on. I've even seen "Christian" burial services that involved a rock band, a bunch of dogs, and people dressed in shorts and T-shirts (don't ask). I myself am of the old school: I wear a dark suit with a tie when I go to pay my respects. But I think ultimately it's up to the deceased and the family as to how things should go. (Up to a point: I draw the line at blasphemy and would not attend such a service no matter my relation to the deceased.)
At my wake, I hope they'll take off their coats and ties, pull out the balloons, and eat cake & ice cream. Celebrate! I've gone home!
My father (in the US at the time) didn't have a funeral, but a memorial service (no body present) and it was held in an airplane hangar because he was a pilot and his passion was planes. All his pilot friends and former work colleagues attended as well as family. I found it very respectful but also relaxed so everyone felt free to mingle and share stories before and after the actual service. My father wasn't a religious man however, so it seemed appropriate somehow. He did have a cross put on the plaque where his ashes were stored and he told me once that there were no atheists in foxholes (he was in WW2) so I imagine he had his own relationship with God. He had been a member of the Veterans of Foreign Wars (VFW) and they had a gun salute to him at the service - my daughter was in the army then and was one of those in the salute, she also handed the folded flag to my step-mother. I had no problems with the whole thing and even spoke briefly at the service. I think funerals/memorials are a very personal thing and should be decided by the family in consultation with the known wishes of the deceased. They don't necessarily have to be done at a church or in a particular manner IMO. I think they should provide comfort for the family.
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