Deliverance from a sick and conceited heart

Discussion in 'Personal Advice, Care & Prayers' started by BibleHoarder, Mar 25, 2018.

  1. Aidan

    Aidan Well-Known Member

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    Brother, as a trained nurse it worries me that you feel so negatively about your psychiatrist. I'm certain that he does not "love to torture" his patients.
     
  2. BibleHoarder

    BibleHoarder Active Member

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    This is a serious matter. The man is truly a draconian nutcase who has been abusive to me. I didn't say he was chaining me to a chair and burning me with a blowtorch, but he has viciously attacked my religious beliefs, calling my faith stupid and that it does nothing for me, acts cold and disconnected, laughs at things regarding my trouble that aren't funny, is very confrontational, and everything else. I am asking for prayers that I'll be delivered from his grip and find a psychiatrist that is faith based or at least respects my views. I've been attacked by both him and other employees in the office and yelled at in the past for supporting biblical convictions. It caused me a lot of anxiety, and again since I started remembering the events in the last day or two. I have told my mom about all this, and my dad knows the man is a creep as he sat with me during one session, where the man had the nerve to get rude towards him. I need the deliverance and grace of the Lord to manage my way out of this and towards someone who cares. The kinds of attacks I suffered from several sides at one time in the office shows these people are truly under some demonic influence. I have seen more success from behavioral/therapy groups that showed more compassion and respect than what is offered by psychiatrists, who supposedly have all the 'keys'. Every psychiatrist I have ever been to was vicious like this. They pretend to seem friendly but switch to rude and arrogant on the spot. It's scary and causing me a lot of anxiety as we plan to handle the situation as best we can. Please pray for us!
     
  3. BibleHoarder

    BibleHoarder Active Member

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    It seems I'll be cancelling my next appointment with this man. He caused stress and hurt on both me (and one time my father during a session) by telling us that the soul and brain are the same thing and that psychology and neuroscience already explained everything about it so there's no arguments left for God or the spirit. We were weighed down by it. My dad asked him, "How can they explain consciousness and all that?" and the psychiatrist acted excited and said, "That's Evolution! Isn't it just wonderful?" and smiled, and we were not moved by it at all, and then he said, "Not interested? OK, then. It's still a lie. Some people feel they need it but I'm not going to respect that. If you feel you'll commit suicide without God, then commit suicide. I don't have pity for you, it's survival of the fittest, that's all it is." He was very aggressive and cold, and I feel the man was under some influence. He also as I mentioned laughed everytime he said something to put us down and he constantly laughed about things that caused us pain whenever he could demonstrate his 'education', but things like him saying racial inequality was not a controversial idea and publicly accepted made me question his cultural awareness. Like he said, he is from the filipines but thinks most filipinos are inferior and stupid except the ones like him which are an exception, and he even joked that blacks were not good at much besides sports and music. We're switching counselors and psychiatrists to escape from him. It all started sometime back when we had a casual conversation about my beliefs and he felt the need to just but in and attack my beliefs while chuckling and laughing the whole time he was doing it, as if it was a trivial thing that people do every day.
     
  4. BibleHoarder

    BibleHoarder Active Member

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    I am finally out of the hands of this psychiatrist and will be seeing a new doctor. However, I am afraid that he may have used some secret information to blot my record with future doctors. I am not sure if he actually has the power to do this or has done this at all, but please pray that I will be OK and my relationship with my new doctor will go well. Trusting the Lord to help me get out of this situation.
     
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  5. BibleHoarder

    BibleHoarder Active Member

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    Thank you for support. I need prayer because I am on the verge of apostasy or feel that way. I feel like we are already past needing God to motivate us to be good or moral, that Jesus died for sins that weren't a big deal so we don't need him and that we can't feel sorry about the idea of dying for sins that didn't need such a dramatic sacrifice, the idea of a lot of the sins condemned in the bible being trivial and that God is prudish in condemning relatively innocent 'sins', the embarrassing fact that some non-Christians seem good enough or more deserving of going to heaven than some Christians and yet it won't count unless you believe in Jesus, etc.

    I have heard that being double-minded is a grave sin and that I could even essentially be a non-believer, either because the holy spirit does not exist and people I see in the church are not really changed, or because I've been hardened for refusing to sincerely repent of certain sins after asking for forgiveness, which means I am cut off for good and on my way to hell. I really don't know what to believe. I am hoping to try and understand things better, I do not want to give up the faith, but I've been struggling with these issues my whole life, and only in certain moments do I find relief, for a time. I feel I may have actually never believed in any of this at all, and am actually a non-believer who only clings to this out of respect for his peers and family, but yet I do see some evidence that there is a supernatural realm, that there are miracles, and that Christianity has helped people in ways other religions haven't. It's just that people are supposed to be able to understand the things that defy rationality if they have the holy spirit, supposedly.
     
  6. Botolph

    Botolph Well-Known Member

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    writing-in-sand.jpg

    Lord, I pray,
    every time I am tempted to be judgmental help me to remember
    your finger tracing in the dust of my humanity,
    from whence I was called, and to which I shall return.
    May we be transformed by the redemptive power of your love,
    in Jesus Name. Amen.
     
  7. JoeLaughon

    JoeLaughon Member Anglican

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    DJG,

    A prayer I always felt very strongly about during my near-unbelieving times is "Lord I believe, help Thou with mine unbelief."
     
  8. Aidan

    Aidan Well-Known Member

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    Dear brother, if you recite the rosary frequently, you will receive clarity.
     
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  9. BibleHoarder

    BibleHoarder Active Member

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    Aidan, to put it nicely, if it isn't clear by now, the advice you generally give on this forum tends to be rather silly. I stopped praying the Anglican rosary because it was not helping me, but may have actually made my situation worse, as some repetitive meditation rituals do. It works for some people, but there are enough similarities between the Buddhist and the Catholic practices, that I wouldn't be surprised if even the Catholic ones can cause the same problems. Some of the excessive grief expressed by many famous monastics may have actually been worsened by these silly rituals. Also, if you are referring to the Roman Catholic rosary--which I will not pray because I do not believe in invoking Mary or the saints--remember the words of Mother Teresa, who probably prayed many of them during her lifetime:

    "I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you will trust God."
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2018
  10. Aidan

    Aidan Well-Known Member

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    I apologise for any "silly advice" imparted to anyone and you remain in my prayers brother in Christ , DJG
     
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  11. Lowly Layman

    Lowly Layman Well-Known Member Anglican

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    I find the Rosary a great comfort in my times of stress and disquiet, brother. I see nothing silly in one fellow disciple offering another a devotional practice that they found helped. I think it comes from a very beautiful place. Never feel shy in offering me advice, friend. I find it quite helpful and very kind of you to think my issues are important enough to bother replying. Not silly in the least.
     
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  12. Magistos

    Magistos Moderator Staff Member Anglican

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    Aidan/Lowly Layman - I do not pray the RCC Rosary, but I have recently received a couple of "Anglican Prayer Beads". I find them useful as a tactile reminder in my pocket, or around/in my hands when praying, or doing the occasional meditative prayer using the Trisagion. I'm still learning how best I want to use them. I suffer from GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and it is a good centering device for my head/emotions which can occasionally bounce around like a new golf ball teed off in a tile bathroom. Nothing magical, or even spiritual...just an aid.

    Never shy from giving me advice either.

    DJG - I am sorry you are hurting. You are in my prayers, as pitiful as they may be.
     
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  13. BibleHoarder

    BibleHoarder Active Member

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    Don't worry, I still appreciate your kind intentions anyways despite our differences.

    And I am not completely sure if the rosary was the source of my recent anxieties, I just felt it correlated to that and common concerns regarding meditation practices that may or may not have influenced it. Like I said, if it has been helping you, by all means, use it. Maybe I'll pick up the practice again in the future if I find that whatever was the cause of my recent anxieties and swarm of negative memories was not the rosary itself.

    Thank you for your continued support, friends. I'm trusting in God and my Christian brethren's prayers to slay this dragon I am facing.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2018
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  14. Aidan

    Aidan Well-Known Member

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    The sensation of "fingering" the beads and the use of mantra of themselves can be both therapeutic and an aid to meditation. The mind should never be emptied as in yoga as this can create a vacuum into which an evil entity might enter
     
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  15. BibleHoarder

    BibleHoarder Active Member

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    I am in even more pain. A relative of mine is sensitive to believing in internet conspiracy theories, and now has become a believer in one that will basically put genuine Christians involved in scientific fields in the crossfire in order to support it. Conspiracies really do victimize people. This is all while I am battling immense demons. I am concerned because I don't like seeing my relatives brainwashed or oppressed like that. This battle is getting worse.
     
  16. BibleHoarder

    BibleHoarder Active Member

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    I am doing OK but recovering gradually from my former doctor's comments. Still battling doubts and trusting in the Lord. But, I have hope I will get better. I feel I am on the road to recovery. My heart is still bound in bitter unforgiveness, but I am just trusting God to help me fight my battles whenever possible. Looking forward to spending time in my imaginary spiritual inn later today as I wind down.
     
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  17. BibleHoarder

    BibleHoarder Active Member

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    I must confess, I have been pretty bitter and hateful all my life. My self-righteousness stems from the fact, perhaps, that I do not really understand how we can get to heaven without works based salvation, since I tend to believe I am more deserving than both unbelievers and other Christians because I do things they do not, so I have earned it. I have always felt uncertain about my salvation and constantly feel that I am going to go to hell if 'something' isn't fixed. I am always living in fear of not being good enough to get to heaven when I die.

    More self-righteousness is the fact that at times when I have witnessed in the past, I have been damaging and hypocritical to unbelievers, struggling so hard to try and be kind and show humility, but feeling it was a monumental struggle and eventually giving up after trying to reconcile, saying vile and satanic things to them that were hateful and threatening after trying to defend the faith because it was just too much, and I was just too convinced that they didn't deserve it because they were inferior. I have defended in the faith in the wrong way, showing anger and arrogance when Paul says love is more appropriate.

    I have felt a lot of jealousy towards muslims and LaVeyan/Theistic Satanists, and Anti-theist communists. For one, I do believe there is a kind of forgiveness and grace that is exceptional and manifest only in Christians so as to defend them, yet, I cannot seem to manifest it in myself. For instance, I did not care about the victims who were killed on 9/11 or Columbine, because the Christian victims went to heaven while the 'vile' unbelievers went to hell, and the muslims, who agree that some sins deserve to be severely punished (including many that are sins by Christian standards), helped kill those people so the Christians did not have to be responsible for it themselves, and thus benefit from it. Yet, I find it easier and more enticing to believe in the hateful and murderous teachings of Satanic sects and Communists because they are essentially consistent atheists. I always tell my enemies that I would become one of them to show that not only are they wrong about being good without God, but that I would kill them and their loved ones after becoming one of these atheists if I lost my faith to show them they are not the boss or going to become the center of my life as they hoped. I feel like, in many ways, the whole forgiveness thing in Christianity was a huge hurdle in my life and a form of oppression but on a positive side, it has also been a muzzle to restrain me from hurting people. My enemies tell me that it is doing no good for me when they find out about my hatred towards them, but I tell them they don't know anything because it would be worse if I didn't have conviction that I would face some eternal punishment, and that there are other Christians who actually are compassionate and forgiving and that I believe it is a real work of God that makes them able to do so, it's just that I don't know how they do it. But, I keep seeking forgiveness and compassion hoping to find it, and being among other believers who have it gives me hope and helps me to remember to refrain from trying to witness to people I may hurt from my spiritual corruption. I was always hating people since I was young for things that go beyond religion, even hating the Christian faith for making me endure people's torments on me with no justice in sight. It has been a serious battle for me. This is the biggest problem in my life right now, is wondering if anything can be done right now. I don't want unbelievers to know these things because they use it to tell me there is no value in anything I believe simply because I am an example of a believer who can't get it right, but yet I fellowshiped with enough Christians to see there is some kind of authentic power in the Christian faith. Every time I take a step towards forgiveness or reconciliation, something is done or said between myself and the other that ruins it and I am back to step one.
     
  18. Aidan

    Aidan Well-Known Member

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    My dear suffering brother never forget God is merciful, compassionate and forgiving to the extent that He allowed Himself to be killed so that you especially may achieve heaven in your next life
     
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  19. BibleHoarder

    BibleHoarder Active Member

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    I am still clinging to the Lord. I really want to focus more on scripture, but my mind wanders so often, whether or not I'm actually reading the bible. These days, the enemy is trying to buffet me with guilt and shame, mainly by memories of conflicts and struggles I've had with both Christians and non-believers. The former, regarding my stance with God, and the latter, whether there is any God or hope at all. I felt compelled to read the book of Job again and study it more in-depth this time, because of its grittiness and honesty, as a form of biblical counseling at times when I've felt some Christian advice was too sentimental or naive to deal with naysayers.
     
  20. Stalwart

    Stalwart Well-Known Member Anglican

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    I would want to suggest that you don't go deeper into Christian devotion, because I don't believe you will go about it the right way. If you think of your thoughts as music on a CD, and your brain and mental habits as your "CD Player", then your CD player is broken, and your thoughts and prayers and general life patterns will be unhealthy.

    So I would stop pretending like more piety will fix this, because piety in your case is broken. It is filled with anger and hatred and a lifetime of guilt over being angry/hateful. Your prayers themselves will not have the texture of authentic Christian prayer focused on a clean mind filled with joy and repentance.

    1. You need to fix your brain and mental habits. Do that by going to Christian counseling, by fixing the 'natural man' in you: have you repented to your friends? Have you forgiven your enemies? Is your daily job mentally satisfying? Is all at peace in your home, with your wife and children? Does your parents' illness cause you anxiety? Fix the natural man, the "CD player" through which you're trying to play the "music" of your thoughts.

    2. Second I would re-orient your prayers away from everything else, and ask God only to fix your mind. Without that you cannot go forward. Ask him again and again to clean up your thoughts, cleanse you from anger, teach you how to repent, to clean up your daily mental habits. Ask him to provide you with peace in the mornings, and with gratitude at nights.
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2018 at 1:01 PM

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