Deliverance from a sick and conceited heart

Discussion in 'Prayers' started by DouayJamesGeneva, Mar 25, 2018.

  1. DouayJamesGeneva

    DouayJamesGeneva Active Member

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    I can't begin to go into my background as a person of faith, but I must say that I'm very concerned about my state spiritually. I have read in the bible where Paul warns us not to harden our hearts, but I feel I may be hardened and on my way to hell. One of the most difficult problems in my life is extending forgiveness and compassion. It may be because of my Asperger's condition to be naturally mistrusting. I've been hurt by people of faith probably as much if not more than I've been loved, but I still see the work of prayer and Christian faith manifesting in people's lives to not deny that it has any power. I find myself agreeing at times with nonbelievers (who have very carnal and cutthroat views of punishment/reward) and their claims that Christianity is perverse, because it allows people to get away with things they don't deserve to be forgiven for, or that it encourages people to take more liberties with crime and other wrongs because they believe in excessive forgiveness and the afterlife. However, I find it hard to see why people deny that atheists have done these things too, but unbelievers have no humility to acknowledge this in the media or elsewhere. So, I am not fully swayed that giving up my faith will make me a better person. Atheists are very savage and cold. But my problem is hypocrisy. I know true born again, believing Christians who have these fruits can do incredible things like this, but I cannot find myself to do it at all, and when I prayed or feel I have forgiven, I always go back to the past wrongs someone did to me to hold against them that I believed I had forgiven. I am trying to avoid being in communion with non-believers as they can be very deceitful. But hypocrisy is a big issue, and being unable to fulfill certain obligations of the spirit is suggested by some to mean you don't have the spirit in you at all. It has troubled me, and I feel like I have false humility at times. I know that thinking worldly revenge and reward is right is a symptom that you don't believe you are sinful enough to need forgiveness from Jesus. I find myself having hostile thoughts against Jesus and the bible's words on morality as being excessive and prudish, and believing that I am already good as I am and better than others so as to rightfully hate them. I want to convince unbelievers that Christians give more forgiveness and compassion than the media and other lies say, but cannot express it in love, as essentially I am hating them at the same time, because they are trying to pull me away from the only fountain of hope that I have and am looking to to overcome this problem with the counsel of consecrated believers. I am praying to the Lord that he'll set me free and that I am not permanently damned for my repeated sins in the past. Please send me your prayers as well.
     
  2. Lowly Layman

    Lowly Layman Well-Known Member Anglican

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    A bruised reed he will not break, my friend. Trust in that.
     
  3. Aidan

    Aidan Well-Known Member

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    Friend, it seems to me that you are experiencing a dark night of the soul, which happens to many of us. I strongly recommend that you read what St Therese of Lisieux aka The Little Flower wrote about this.
     
  4. DouayJamesGeneva

    DouayJamesGeneva Active Member

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    Thank you all. Keep the prayers coming. This evening, another wave of rotten memories came back from when I was publicly humiliated for the faith and struggled to defend it, but to no avail. It was truly nightmarish. I have a really vivid and long-term memory. But it seems it's more focused on very negative and shameful things that left me scarred than good ones.
     
  5. Lowly Layman

    Lowly Layman Well-Known Member Anglican

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    Dear brother I do not want to minimize your feelings on this point. You are in pain and I pray God will comfort and console you. I just wanted to say that I wonder if this memory is not being called to mind not to torment you but actually to build you up.

    Here is what I mean. On this Good Friday of all days, we should remember that even when all seems lost and when it appears we are utterly defeated, God is working all things, the good and the bad, to manifest his glorious and infinitely loving purpose in our lives and in the world at large. What you see as a "nightmarish" event is really a moment to be celebrated, a moment to be cherished....Our Lord has blessed you and is still blessing you. In the 5th chapter of St. Matthew's gospel, Our Lord Jesus says:
    "Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets whowere before you."

    Hopefully you see why this memory you have is so important...My friend, you have a great reward awaiting you in heaven! Rejoice over this memory! Do a jig! You are likened to the great prophets of God! What an honor you have received!

    All of us have Good Friday moments if we are serious in our obedience to the Great Commission, but never forget that the road that led Christ to his terrible crucifixion, led him further still to Easter Sunday! To the Ascension! To the very Presence of God! And he has left us the promise that where he goes, we go too.

    Praise God for the low moments, friend. Because the low moments are where we are blessed!
     
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  6. DouayJamesGeneva

    DouayJamesGeneva Active Member

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    Thank you for your encouragement. The exact same thing has come to mind to me recently, that blessed are they who suffer for the Lord, and these times of trial as a period of refinement. Although, I do not want to get too conceited about being persecuted so as to sound like I am being prideful towards other people who are still undergoing their sanctification and may appear less religious or zealous for the time being, until that seed that God has planted in them eventually grows as it was supposed to. I too, hope your Good Friday went well. God bless.
     
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  7. JoeLaughon

    JoeLaughon Member Anglican

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    Praying for you. I've had these moments as well. They do pass.
     
  8. DouayJamesGeneva

    DouayJamesGeneva Active Member

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    Battling more memories. When one seems to go away, another ugly and pervasive one rears its ugly head. Please continue to pray. God bless you in return, friends.
     
  9. Aidan

    Aidan Well-Known Member

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    Excuse while I revert to being a nurse once again, friend do you think your health might be suffering at this stage?
     
  10. DouayJamesGeneva

    DouayJamesGeneva Active Member

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    Not really, it's just something that happens every now and then. I take my medicine regularly, so I tend to do OK, but there's moments like this where I battle oppressive thoughts. But with the fellowship of all you nice people and your prayers, I can recover. I am feeling a bit better this evening after spending some time reading more spiritually edifying material, though the same memories are nagging me here and there, but I think I can recover. Still trusting in the Lord's grace to get through this.
     
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