I can't begin to go into my background as a person of faith, but I must say that I'm very concerned about my state spiritually. I have read in the bible where Paul warns us not to harden our hearts, but I feel I may be hardened and on my way to hell. One of the most difficult problems in my life is extending forgiveness and compassion. It may be because of my Asperger's condition to be naturally mistrusting. I've been hurt by people of faith probably as much if not more than I've been loved, but I still see the work of prayer and Christian faith manifesting in people's lives to not deny that it has any power. I find myself agreeing at times with nonbelievers (who have very carnal and cutthroat views of punishment/reward) and their claims that Christianity is perverse, because it allows people to get away with things they don't deserve to be forgiven for, or that it encourages people to take more liberties with crime and other wrongs because they believe in excessive forgiveness and the afterlife. However, I find it hard to see why people deny that atheists have done these things too, but unbelievers have no humility to acknowledge this in the media or elsewhere. So, I am not fully swayed that giving up my faith will make me a better person. Atheists are very savage and cold. But my problem is hypocrisy. I know true born again, believing Christians who have these fruits can do incredible things like this, but I cannot find myself to do it at all, and when I prayed or feel I have forgiven, I always go back to the past wrongs someone did to me to hold against them that I believed I had forgiven. I am trying to avoid being in communion with non-believers as they can be very deceitful. But hypocrisy is a big issue, and being unable to fulfill certain obligations of the spirit is suggested by some to mean you don't have the spirit in you at all. It has troubled me, and I feel like I have false humility at times. I know that thinking worldly revenge and reward is right is a symptom that you don't believe you are sinful enough to need forgiveness from Jesus. I find myself having hostile thoughts against Jesus and the bible's words on morality as being excessive and prudish, and believing that I am already good as I am and better than others so as to rightfully hate them. I want to convince unbelievers that Christians give more forgiveness and compassion than the media and other lies say, but cannot express it in love, as essentially I am hating them at the same time, because they are trying to pull me away from the only fountain of hope that I have and am looking to to overcome this problem with the counsel of consecrated believers. I am praying to the Lord that he'll set me free and that I am not permanently damned for my repeated sins in the past. Please send me your prayers as well.